No, You Don’t Have All the Time in the World to Find Love!

Posted by admin on May 01, 2023

Yes, I said that right, no clickbait, no bullshit. I believe this. You don’t have as much time as you think you do to date.

Father time has no time to waste.

I’m going to break it down.

I’m so sick and tired of all these modern dating cliches, and I got continually frustrated by them when I was dating. Women would all tell me the same thing when I would be on a first date.

“I’ve had my fun and and I’m ready to settle down.”
“I don’t need a man, I want a man.”
“I’m very happy to be single, I don’t need someone to make me happy.”
“I need someone who’s on my level.”
“I don’t need to rush.”
“I’m trying to figure out who I am.”
“I’m enjoying my 20’s.”
“I’m not rushing to date anyone.”
“I want to have a relationship but I want to take it slow and see where it goes.”

Now, hold your horses, this isn’t a post-bashing women, I only mention these stories cause I don’t date men.

These are my own experiences. If you don’t like them, bore off.

But I would imagine all these points apply to men too, so this article is for both of you.

Anyways…

People spout off these corny lines to me allllll the time to the point where I’d be laughing on the opposite side of the phone or trying not to smirk when they say it face to face.

Not cause I’m an arrogant douchebag who’s heard it all. But because I really did go on a lot of first dates, and these lines are what I heard repeatedly, verbatim sometimes. It really got laughable. Cause it was the exact sentence or phrase.

No independent thoughts, just some little quip they liked on Instagram.

I also couldn’t really relate:

I tried to “have my fun.” But I couldn’t really get into that hook-up culture or one-night stand business. I tried, but it was never me. Dating one person consistently is so much more healthier for me.
I did need a woman. I knew then that being single is great for a period of time, but humans past a certain age need a companion; our bodies are made to be together. Not online tear each other down and pass insults as opinions.
I don’t need someone to make me happy, but a person who makes me happier.
You’ll never find someone “on your level”; people will always be inherently different. You want equity in a relationship, not exact equality. It doesn’t exist.

But all the points I just made can be refuted, I know they can. So before you go typing away angrily in the comments, actually read the whole article as most of you don’t, but they sure do like to mouth off with zero context

1. Dating is drastically different in 2023.

Time is indeed running out for modern daters; the number of friends introducing friends or family members and acquaintances making introductions or even staying with someone from college is dwindling year after year. In a 2020 study by the Pew Research Center, the percentage of adults who have met their spouse or partner through friends has decreased from 29% in 1995 to just 18% in 2020. Meeting through family members has declined from 15% in 1995 to 10% in 2020, and meeting through college or school has dropped from 19% in 1995 to 12% in 2020.

Time is running out for modern daters like a tortoise racing against a pack of cheetahs; I’m not kidding; traditional ways of meeting romantic partners are fading faster than a chameleon’s camouflage act.

It will only get worse.

Even if you do meet someone in a traditional way, it might not last as people are throwing out a wider net to catch people, they’re exercising more options, and with technology, there is the illusion of geographical options as far as the eye can see. Just cause you can get 100 dates instead of 5 doesn’t mean 95 dates are even compatible.

People dip their toes in the dating pond and walk around in the shallow end for as long as they can. Making sure they get the “perfect match.” They’ll stretch the getting-to-know-you stage over text and video chat before meeting in person. People vet partners for financial stability and compatible interests as if they’re looking to hire someone for a long-term contract. Every stage of the relationship is dragged out for as long as they can when people are “looking for something serious.” People like to play insipid games to stretch out how long it takes for the other person to crumble and declare they’re ready to become “official” or exclusive, to move in together, to introduce their partners to their families, to marry and have children and whatever else they have got going on.

People are taking forever.

I read an excellent book about five years ago called “The Anatomy of Love.”

By Helen Fisher. She’s a renowned biological anthropologist at the Kinsey Institute who has served as an adviser for the dating site Match (They also own, Bumble, Hinge, and Tinder) for more than 15 years. She described everything I just referenced as “slow love.”

But don’t listen to me or her; just look at a recent survey that listened to over 5000 participants. It’s titled “Singles in America,” and it’s a yearly survey — that samples 5,000 demographically representative individuals. They have made a bold suggestion that the pandemic has caused dating to decline and get even slower.

Yes, slower than it already is!!!

Jesus.

People are much more hesitant about meeting in person; people spend more time texting and video chatting before the meeting. I’m actually all for that and made an article about it found here. But It has to be done with some expediency. Every day you live is one more day you get older.

On the one side, this is a good thing as it means people are becoming more intentional right? But much like everything that is good, eventually, a large majority of the population will swing far too much on the opposite side of the pendulum.

2. But marriage is trash!

Look, I get it. I’m under no illusion about the very old and tenured institute of marriage. I’m very aware that it used to be a form of exchange for land and property and used as a control by religious men in power. Blah, blah, blah. Yes, roughly one in two marriages fail. I have a keen understanding that most people have experienced or have seen divorce up close, in their own or their friends’ immediate families, or know someone at work who’s growing through that.

There are numerous reports out there that speak of this, but one, in particular, I found very interesting was a 2015 report on Gen X and Millennial attitudes toward marriage; nearly two in five said that “marriage has not worked out for most people I know,” and nearly half of all singles expressed “pessimism” about the institution of marriage. In the age of information, the most damaging articles and stories get the most attention, so It’s no wonder most people feel this way. There’s a more pragmatic and realistic approach to marriage these days; most people are very much in the knowledge that it might not last forever. They’re not wrong.

Whilst this is a good wake-up call, it’s slightly damaging. As people are now trying to almost “gurantee” if they do get married, it doesn’t lead to divorce.

Impossible.

There’s never a guarantee of that; marriage was, is, and will always be a risk. People are not seeing marriage as the beginning of a hard-working journey where you both decide to choose each other every day. They’re just seeing it as final and hoping for the best. Being engaged for five years won’t stop an impending divorce any more than scrolling on Netflix for 1 hour only to settle on a “Netflix Original” movie that sucks ass.

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” — Mignon McLaughlin

3. Time takes no prisoners — It just is

I’ve got news for you.

You do not have all the time in the world, and your time is running out.

Waiting for too long to actually get started on this journey is a risk you’ll never be able to do over. Remember, time is the most valuable commodity.

You can never get it back.

Ever.

Be wiser to who you decide to give your time.

Committing to someone and seeing where things go involves the sacrifice of opportunities and exposure to the chance that it might not work out, and many people don’t have the gumption to go all the way in.

The longer you postpone a relationship and stretch things out, the harder it will be to find the one you’re actually supposed to be in.

My friends and family used to make fun of me, and they used to say I was brutal when it came to dating. I would go on a lot of first dates and not pursue past them, or I would date someone for 2–3 months and then quickly end it.

But I knew I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time, and I had a good idea as to what exactly I wanted. The more time I wasted with them, the longer it would take me to find who I was actually supposed to be with. I’m sure, in hindsight, they realized that too.

So let’s do the elementary assumptive math for you right now. Cause I get the feeling I haven’t convinced you yet.

4. A timeline of you unintentionally wasting time

So let’s say you’re 26. You’ve had your fun traveling the world, been Mr/mrs wanderlust. You’ve gone to the best festivals, got the dopest IG photos, and had some fabulous meaningless flings. Your looks are still intact; now, let’s find you someone wonderful!

Year 1(26):

When you get back into it, you quickly realize the dating pool is a mess as you haven’t really had a chance to date someone, seriously, in a while. A few things might end up happening.

You get scared and stop dating.
You date a few times and get screwed over/ghosted/zombied/breadcrumbed etc
You have 4–6 months wasted by someone who was leading you on
You get dating burnout and take time for yourself

Year 2: (27)

Now you know the dating pool is a mess, and online dating to you is now of the devil in your opinion. So you opt to meet people in real life. You’ve had your time away, and it’s your moment. You’re the main character, right?

You join a kickball club for adults or a pub quiz night club
Maybe you even have a few friends who set you up, or you meet someone at a mutual friend’s house party
You soon realize that people IRL are not that much different from people online
They almost cross over with each other
A few incidents occur where you feel the rug was swiftly pulled right from beneath you, so you stop dating altogether. Again.

Year 3–4 (28–29)

After two years of really trying to get into a relationship, you say, screw it. It’s not really working for me now. So you return to that wanderlust-type “adventure” life with lots of traveling, parties, new adventures, and random spontaneous hook-ups, again. You’re focused on your career and your friends and family only!

You use all your five weeks of PTO to travel the country and world with your friends.
You might occasionally date if someone approaches you or you meet someone on your adventuring, but you keep it casual cause you don’t want to be hurt again, and you want to find yourself and live your best life!

Year 5–7 (30)

You’ve done it; you got the career you want, you’ve spent years trying to go it alone, and you now have your own house, a nice car, great friends and family, and extraordinary social life. But you feel like something is missing. You feel like you’re in the best place you’ve ever been. You’ve had your fun; now it’s time to settle down. Build something with someone. But you’re super successful and got your shit together; the person must be on your level. So you succumb to online dating once again. After all, you’re way too busy to meet anyone IRL, and the club and bar scene isn’t for you anymore.

This time you know your worth and boundaries; all the dating “experts” tell you to settle for nothing less than perfection.
So you’re extremely meticulous with some of the matches you get, and remember, they have to be on your level, right? You’re looking for the best of the best.
They gotta tick those boxes, right? They have to look good on paper?
So after three months of toiling away on online dating, you feel like you’ve found a good match.
A year goes by, and you’re still together! You all align on the same things, like the same tv shows, music, and cool places to travel to, and they get along with your family.
You’re getting ready to move in together, and it’s your 18th-month mark, and you feel like you’re both ready. Until they hit you with a bombshell, they’re not ready for it anymore and don’t want kids anymore.

Year 8 (32)

You’ve had six months away from dating and repeated the same steps of years 3–4. You now have an even better idea of what you want and vow it will never happen again…

So what can we learn from all this?

Now, I could go on with all the specifics and easily get to year 10. But I won’t cause after a while; it gets repetitive. Let me tell you; I’ve heard this story from men and women with all my consultation services. It’s either the exact same or has a very familiar tone to the basic stories I’ve outlined above. Some of them go up to years 9–10 or 11–12. Some of them only seriously start dating when they hit 30. So they’re already behind.

But that’s the point I’m trying to make. Experience is the most outstanding teacher, always has been and always will be. The universe is constantly conspiring to help you find a special person. But if you do the opposite of that for such a long time or ignore great opportunities right in front of you. When you’re finally ready, it might take you a little longer to find someone, or there might be specific lessons you have to learn on your journey to find someone.

Unfortunately, they often happen the hard way.

Especially right now. With the social media “look at me” clout-chasing culture. A lot of people can’t see past themselves. It’s no wonder how anyone even dates.

Holding off on finding someone is damaging to having kids too. A consistent pattern of procrastinating and delaying of key relationship milestones — is incredibly impractical if anyone genuinely wants to have kids.

Cause at that point, you reach a certain age; the dating market no longer becomes a fun experience where you might find someone special. It becomes a little more calculated and contrived. Because no matter how you try to spin it, no matter how progressive, we twist science. You’ll never be able to completely remove the biological necessity and timing of being able to have kids. Remember, father time and biology will remain undefeated. And yes, please spare me the comments of people who “don’t want kids anyway.” Yes, I know you exist; this point doesn’t relate to you.

Unfortunately, if you really want to start a family and you begin to date seriously in your early 30s, there might come a time when you have to decide if a romantic timeline is far more important than the biological one. Cause either one you decide to choose, the strategy must be a little different.

When you seriously date older, it becomes a time crunch if you want a family because essentially, whether people openly admit it or not, they might find themselves thinking, “I have like a year or two to find someone.”

This makes people feel very anxious to try to find someone special; there’s this cloud hanging over your head, pounding down a torrential rain of pressure, reminding you that you have to find someone special, and you have to find them quickly.

You soon start to realize how you should have handled things a few years before.

Maybe you should have taken things a little more seriously and not be so cavalier with the time you’ve been given.

But then some people have conflicting views by the grace of a natural consequence of being single for so long. The longer some people remain in the constant limbo of situationships and shitty dating, their ambivalence about starting a family begins to get larger, and the subtle signs of resentment start to settle in. This might be why so many people don’t want kids; they’ve given up on that notion altogether!

How do you think you got there? Flying storks?

So what’s the alternative to this?

You must FAIL FASTER.

Dating and failing, I believe, is the key!

This means you need to figure out and learn more things about the person sooner. For example, many people are shook to just outright say on the first phone call or first date, do you want kids one day? Thoughts on marriage, communication styles, and real deep shit.

Cause they don’t want to scare the person away.

I say, SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF THEM with the raw, honest truth and fail fast.

The sooner you do this, the sooner you’ll know this person is for real. You have to be willing to lose people and let people go cause you’re unafraid of YOUR TRUTH.

There is no tomorrow.

You have to dig deep and understand the answers and questions that matter to you. No more playing it cool. Time is of the essence. The sooner you have a concrete idea of what a pragmatic and grounded relationship looks like for you, the easier it will be to find someone who you really are meant to be with.

A lot of people who get very badly emotionally hurt or drained from breakups or horrible dating scenarios vow to never want to get into that scenario again and don’t date for a while. I agree you need some time off, but you also need to get right back to the drawing board and take a deep time to assess what might have gone wrong. If you’re going to take a break away from dating, why not genuinely work on yourself to be the best viable option you can be?

You have to be ruthless with what you want, not in a rude or aggressive way. But if you’re not sure of things, there’s your answer; if they’re not giving clear-cut signals or answers, they don’t deserve your time to wait till they figure it out. If you’re ready, you’re ready, don’t waste time or settle for anyone who isn’t.

But let me be clear here; there is no esoteric formula for finding long and lasting commitment that can put some of the greatest romances to shame. There is no single piece of advice that can solve those fears for you. Marriage, long-term commitment, partnerships, and all the rest will always be a person’s biggest risk. There’s zero escape from that. The person who’s responsible for making sure it doesn’t end in heartache is you. You have to choose them every day; you have to capitalize on love being a verb, and you have to strive your hardest to create your own concrete commitment.

Finally

Having all the hope and optimism in the world for a strong committed partnership is useless. It’s not how I believe it all works. It has to start early, and it has to start strong, in my opinion. My partner and I believe we are strong because, from the very start, we chose each other and have never looked back. We chose each other because we were on the exact same page. When you’re aligned, as close as you can be (cause no one is perfect). You build off that fertile ground and plant the seeds of a strong and fruitful partnership. You both set the conditions and go from there.

When you procrastinate, postpone, and hold out for as long as you can for the real deal, it does the opposite. IT PUSHES you further away from that very thing you’re trying to get. All it does is further manifest that putrid scent of anxiety. Then you begin to project an overwhelmingly powerful focus on maintaining your god-given freedom and agency over your romantic life.

This is a great fallacy. You can’t be fully in control of any romantic outcome, you never fully protect your heart, and you can always become a victim of poor decision-making with respect to the person you’ve chosen.

This is life.

If you want to learn more about this, feel free to grab a copy of my book, all about dating. If not, find a book that works for you and helps you grow in the way you were always meant to.

Thanks for reading.

T.H.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***